I have this feeling, which I can’t describe but I know what it is. A feeling, which I had prior to us beginning both of our IVF cycles. Having sometime off from all the medicine and doctors visits I was relaxed again except today. Today I am started to get back into that old feeling but not in a good way in a mix feeling kind of way. I think this happened because of the conversation I had with my husband yesterday.

I never mentioned it before but when we initially started our IVF journey by purchasing a one-year package with a doctor. What does a one-year package mean? Since everyone is aware IVF is very expensive. Our RE offers a one-year plan, which included 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen for one price. It was more money of course but I think the whole financial part made it a bit easier while going through it.

We had a conversation when will our next cycle begin; will it happen during my upcoming period? Or will we skip it again? As I remember from our discussion with the doctor our next cycle might be a natural one since I should start my period any day now. And if not, then we would need to skip this one. If the doctor suggests that we skip it. I would really like to start after new years.

My husband got worried asking me why would I want to wait? Doesn’t our plan run out in May? And that’s where I began to panic. It finally hit me If I don’t have a successful pregnancy by May should I give up? How many times would I have a failed IVF? Is it possible? Of course it is. Having over 4 to 5 or even 6-failed IVF is a nightmare. I wouldn’t even know how to handle it. I’m just so worried that we are faced with this type of situation.

I know I need to be positive and stress free but I am like a roller coaster one day I am super happy the next I am lost. My husband has this poker face, which kills me sometimes he doesn’t show how he is feeling maybe because he is a man. I don’t know.

-Hope.